Breaking the Bottle

It's more than just getting S.A.D. during winter, its the way I was handling my grief for my sister. Removal, distancing, talking myself out of grief and thinking that was healing. I think her death just leaves too big a void to ever smooth over with words, no matter how much time passes. (Over 2 years so far.) A sister isn't something that can be replaced. My mother doesn't have a womb anymore, she won't have more children. My parents are just older and they wouldn't want a new child. And if they did, I wouldn't play the same role for a new child that I played for my sister. I'm 24, and when Sam was born I was 3. It's actually at the time where its my turn to be having the babies. (Not just yet though, but soon enough I'm sure...)

Yet I can't help but sit and wish that she could come back. I watched Extreme Home Makeover's 100th ep last night and the woman was talking about the death of her sister, and not having her to be old with. At the time I could nod sympathetically, sip my green tea, and ooo and ahh over the new home that was built.

It was today, as I lay alone in my bed (Andrew was at work and he works from 10am to 7pm so I hardly see him) that I broke from thoughts of being alone. I was depressed so I went to lay down, and thoughts about Sam and my relationship with my cousins just started pouring through my mind. Concerns that I had bottled away and didn't want to think about because it would "just depress" me.

I don't want to have this feeling when I'm an old woman. I won't have my sister there to remenince about life, about kids and grandkids, about our parents and our childhood. No one will be there that will remember those things, no one. Andrew didn't know me then.  It's the fact that I used to have that possible future, and 111 effexor tablets took that away from me, and it can't come back. It's not like she disapeared or ran away, and I can pretend she'll return one day. She's dead. I felt the cold of her hand when she lie on the bed in ICU, when minutes before it was hot with life, saw her with her head and torso thrown back in an arch from leaving her body and blonde hair splayed around the pillow, frozen that way on a thin metal bed surrounded by medical equipment that were silent and offline.

That's not something that magically reverses itself.

Which I get. I really do. I just terribly dislike the reality of it. So I had to let it out today, I've been doing so all day. Maybe its from the holidays but I can't help but remember her now. And then I thought of how distant I feel from my cousins, the next best thing. I think I can probably become closer with Angela and with Mike once we move back to Houston, but I wonder if Christy would ever warm up to me instead of keeping me at a smartalecy distance. Its not like I'm hated, I'm not, but I just don't feel... close. I like to think that Brian, who did grow up with Sam and I being that he and I are the same age, would quickly recover the closeness we had as children if I was living closer by, and could see him often. I'm saddened that I have to miss his wedding Dec 14. They bought a house and his bride has a child already so he's now settled, quite thoroughly, and so unless he gets a job transfer I don't see him moving to Houston like Mike did.

I just want to find a way to make sure that I don't have to be old without any of my family that I grew up around, I want to be able to call a cousin and chat. I wonder if they could even understand my feelings on this? Angela and Christy have each other, and Mike, Brian, and Richard have each other. I hope I don't get left out.

I'm not looking for a pity party, I'm just trying to sort out my feelings. I want to be close to my cousins, I wonder if pity has been what made them even further from me. Maybe they just didn't know how to talk to me anymore after she was gone.

I hope that if anyone reads this it inspires them to spend extra time with their loved ones this holiday season, and keep them close to their hearts. When they're gone, they're gone, so love them while you can.