I guess that depends on which home...

The house I grew up in is located in Houma, Louisiana. I miss how my sister and I had bedroom doors right across from each other in a small hallway, and if we were sent to our rooms we'd sit right in the doorway with dolls in the hall and play quietly till time out was over. I miss my "treehouse" (It was on stilts over a sandbox, Dad built it) and the rain ditches where we used to play. It's not a home I would return to, outside of my dreams, because there's not a lot of oppurtunities there. But its nice to remember.

I didn't care for living in Abita Springs, as the kids were asshats there and I was outcasted for being new and swiftly became fat after that. (Eating my depression at the age of 12.) I did like the Abita Springs River though, I used to ride my bike around some trails near there. It was nice.

The house in Fall River, Nova Scotia that we leased while Dad worked there a couple years was HUGE, it was the largest house I'd ever lived in. I miss the forest that surrounded us, it was a great place to walk. WIth walking and tae bo I lost 40 pounds there. (I was happy, and had friends there.)

My parents' home in Texas is "home" at this point in my life, despite my shitly apartment here in Edmonton. Soon enough we'll be moving back home. I don't really like anything specific about that house, lots of memories both good and horrible, its my parents being there that makes it a home. They are what I miss the most out of everything.

So when I move, I won't miss these cracked walls, I won't miss the constant sirens outside from emergency vehicles. I won't miss the freezing cold, or the huge dunes of snow. I won't miss the prositutes or the liquor stores on every block, nor getting honked at when walking my dog like they think I'll flag them down (Jeez do I LOOK like a hooker?), or the smells in the hallway. I do have some friends I will miss though. I can keep them thanks to Facebook. I will leave with an appreciation of all my parents help me have, of all the places they kept me safe in. I will leave knowing what to do with my future, and a more mature understanding of the things most important in life.

For now I will look for solace in art books and patches of oil paint on canvas, and eat my vegetables while I wait for that last bit of mail before we get Andrew's green card. Soon... soon...

It wasn't beauty exactly that took my breath away this morning.

I've been reading "Overcoming Binge Eating" by Dr. Christopher G. Fairburn, a book included in the UK National Health Service Bibliotherapy Program, and I'm finding it so in depth about the roots of binge eating. I bought it because I found myself having weight gain due to depressed eating again, and I decided I am going to get some understanding and awareness going before I can slip back too far.

I cried because as I read the details of an actual disorder, I knew that in junior high that is exactly what I had, and no one in my family seemed to notice. Granted the focus for my parents was my dad going through A.A. at the time(He has been alcohol free ever since, didn't even drink at my wedding.) but I had this genuine disorder and no one noticed (bingers tend to be secretive) and for a moment I felt really shitty thinking of how "ignored" I must have been. I was 11-13 years old when I had a full blown disorder.

I remembered how sometimes I was angry at them for not noticing or not saying anything about all the missing snack containers and pop cans when they'd come home. They just bought more later. Every day I'd come home from school and blow through several packs of snack cakes, cookies, chips (basically whatever we had) and up to 6 cans of pop, normally Pepsi. Often after everyone went to bed I'd get up to have one more sugar fix before sleeping. My breakfasts were giant bowls of cocoa puffs or cocoa pebbles sometimes with poptarts or a toaster strudel. At school I had to go to the vending machine at all recess breaks and after I ate my lunch. I ate because I hated myself and my life at school. I ate because I hated myself for eating. I ate because it started me off feeling really good and happy, basically a high, even though I hated myself again at the end of it when I was stuffed. I ate while playing video games to keep me from thinking about it.

All they seemed to notice was that I got fat and that I didn't have many friends. I found myself sitting here on the couch, reading and getting mad and crying about the past, not exactly living in the present.

Then I thought, but I don't have that disorder anymore, now I fall into the category of someone with a binge problem, not a disorder. I can honestly say its only occassional now. I pulled myself out of that, by my own awareness of my problem, and determination to change. At 14 years old. I didn't even have a book to spell it out for me, as soon as I was able to get away from the cause of my depression (bad school enviroment, if we hadn't moved when I finished grade 8 I might still be a binger and be much worse off right now). By my own will I forced myself not to get out of bed during nights of withdrawl and go eat, I ate salads for lunches for a year straight, and restricted snacking. I took up excercise and stopped eating while gaming,  I made the change, Mom and Dad praised me and gave me excercise DVDs and made sure Sam couldn't come into her room and bother me while I excercised after school, giving me a safe haven to do so because they did love me and care for me but likely didn't know what to do or think, simply because even now most people don't know what binging is really about.

That's what took my breath away, that at 14 years old I had that much strength in me to pull myself out of a bad lifestyle, recognizing what I was doing was not right nor good for me, and made changes in my life. I may binge on occassion, finding myself back in a depression over something, but I see what I am doing and stop much earlier than I did in junior high, and I keep myelf from going back into the disorder. Now I'm 25 and found myself doing this last week, so I sought out more education about my problem so that I can better understand it and work through it. So far I'm only reading part 1 which is about what binging is and what bingers do, there other half of the book is an actual rehab program to help myself get away from binging, hopefully permanently.

I'm giving my junior high self the hugs she needed, and patting my 14 year old self on the back for her strength and resolve, and knowing that if they could see me now they would be glad this is how I am turning out.

Happiness comes in little bursts here and there, I am trying not to hate where I am so much (because its really not where I want to be and its taken forever to make my way out) but it comes basically from any social interaction that comes my way, be this in person having coffee with Alexis or Emily somewhere, or snuggling Andrew on the couch, or on the phone talking to my Mom in Texas, or on online messengers chatting with friends or doing webcam chats over skype with Maya (We have tea together this way). I feel really good that the things that came up to me for this question are all non-material things. I think this is how it should be.

I'm also happy when painting or drawing, and if I can make something for a friend that's even better. (Thus the image I drew above my of friend Maya as her favorite super-heroine Wonder Woman. It made me happy to draw it, it made her happy to see it, and again made me happy to see how much she liked it.)

I went shopping, outdoors, in -25*C weather with my friend Meleha. It hurt. But, our fave store, Rowena, on whyte ave had a sale, and I got 3 BettiePageClothing dresses on sale buy 2 get 1 free. These dresses have me feeling so awesome and fit so well on my body, the white pencil skirt one makes my legs look so hot <3 I'm really happy with these. It'll definately keep me from over eating for a while because if I do they wont fit anymore, and if I lose a little weight they will only look better because they fit my ribs/hips where the bone is, and with signifigant wieght loss will only require a small amount of tailoring to make them fit perfect again. :)

BTW I look exhausted in the pic because its 12:30 but I had to get pics right away :p We shopped ALLLLL DAAAAY in frozen tundra type weather. Did I mention outdoors not in a mall?





I also discovered that Bettie Page died this past week, December 12 at the age of 85 from pneumonia after having a heart attack a week before. Rest in peace Bettie, you are a role model to me and have been for years about loving what god gave you and not being ashamed of it. I try to live up to that state of mind.

After dinner, and all my Weight Watchers points with little weekly allowance points left after a Yule party, I had a depression binge.

Dinner was special k and 3 tbsp of chocolate chips.

Off points was 2 more bowls of cereal, and a fried egg sandwich with cheese, and two chips ahoy 100 calorie packs.

I knew exactly what I was doing and why but didn't stop, I felt like I had to do it.

Though I still lost 1.8 pounds when I weighed in, it would have been 2.6 pounds beforehand because I had done fairly well this week.

Its just like..... SulkingAlli is sulking. It's the holidays, and my family is 2000 miles away in one direction, and Andrew's family is 2000 miles away in another direction. This is the first time we've not had one or the other's family around us for the holidays. I don't even really celebrate Christmas (am not Christian) but my family gatherings are important to me, that's what I am missing right now.

I'm not expecting to post this and have message board magic cure me of my depression but I do have to admit the binge to someone, other than my husband.

I recently got a book called Overcoming Binge Eating by Dr. Christopher G. Fairburn. Gonna go read some more of that, finished chapter 1 a while back and didn't touch it again for a few days. Chapter 1 revealed so much about myself I think I needed a breather.

Painting outside on a sunny day :) with a friend.