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binge eating
June 2009 
What was the last experience that took your breath away?
Posted on Dec 17th, 2008
by 
WonderlandAlli
WonderlandAlli
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for December 17, 2008:
It wasn't beauty exactly that took my breath away this morning.
I've been reading "Overcoming Binge Eating" by Dr. Christopher G. Fairburn, a book included in the UK National Health Service Bibliotherapy Program, and I'm finding it so in depth about the roots of binge eating. I bought it because I found myself having weight gain due to depressed eating again, and I decided I am going to get some understanding and awareness going before I can slip back too far.
I cried because as I read the details of an actual disorder, I knew that in junior high that is exactly what I had, and no one in my family seemed to notice. Granted the focus for my parents was my dad going through A.A. at the time(He has been alcohol free ever since, didn't even drink at my wedding.) but I had this genuine disorder and no one noticed (bingers tend to be secretive) and for a moment I felt really shitty thinking of how "ignored" I must have been. I was 11-13 years old when I had a full blown disorder.
I remembered how sometimes I was angry at them for not noticing or not saying anything about all the missing snack containers and pop cans when they'd come home. They just bought more later. Every day I'd come home from school and blow through several packs of snack cakes, cookies, chips (basically whatever we had) and up to 6 cans of pop, normally Pepsi. Often after everyone went to bed I'd get up to have one more sugar fix before sleeping. My breakfasts were giant bowls of cocoa puffs or cocoa pebbles sometimes with poptarts or a toaster strudel. At school I had to go to the vending machine at all recess breaks and after I ate my lunch. I ate because I hated myself and my life at school. I ate because I hated myself for eating. I ate because it started me off feeling really good and happy, basically a high, even though I hated myself again at the end of it when I was stuffed. I ate while playing video games to keep me from thinking about it.
All they seemed to notice was that I got fat and that I didn't have many friends. I found myself sitting here on the couch, reading and getting mad and crying about the past, not exactly living in the present.
Then I thought, but I don't have that disorder anymore, now I fall into the category of someone with a binge problem, not a disorder. I can honestly say its only occassional now. I pulled myself out of that, by my own awareness of my problem, and determination to change. At 14 years old. I didn't even have a book to spell it out for me, as soon as I was able to get away from the cause of my depression (bad school enviroment, if we hadn't moved when I finished grade 8 I might still be a binger and be much worse off right now). By my own will I forced myself not to get out of bed during nights of withdrawl and go eat, I ate salads for lunches for a year straight, and restricted snacking. I took up excercise and stopped eating while gaming, I made the change, Mom and Dad praised me and gave me excercise DVDs and made sure Sam couldn't come into her room and bother me while I excercised after school, giving me a safe haven to do so because they did love me and care for me but likely didn't know what to do or think, simply because even now most people don't know what binging is really about.
That's what took my breath away, that at 14 years old I had that much strength in me to pull myself out of a bad lifestyle, recognizing what I was doing was not right nor good for me, and made changes in my life. I may binge on occassion, finding myself back in a depression over something, but I see what I am doing and stop much earlier than I did in junior high, and I keep myelf from going back into the disorder. Now I'm 25 and found myself doing this last week, so I sought out more education about my problem so that I can better understand it and work through it. So far I'm only reading part 1 which is about what binging is and what bingers do, there other half of the book is an actual rehab program to help myself get away from binging, hopefully permanently.
I'm giving my junior high self the hugs she needed, and patting my 14 year old self on the back for her strength and resolve, and knowing that if they could see me now they would be glad this is how I am turning out.
I've been reading "Overcoming Binge Eating" by Dr. Christopher G. Fairburn, a book included in the UK National Health Service Bibliotherapy Program, and I'm finding it so in depth about the roots of binge eating. I bought it because I found myself having weight gain due to depressed eating again, and I decided I am going to get some understanding and awareness going before I can slip back too far.
I cried because as I read the details of an actual disorder, I knew that in junior high that is exactly what I had, and no one in my family seemed to notice. Granted the focus for my parents was my dad going through A.A. at the time(He has been alcohol free ever since, didn't even drink at my wedding.) but I had this genuine disorder and no one noticed (bingers tend to be secretive) and for a moment I felt really shitty thinking of how "ignored" I must have been. I was 11-13 years old when I had a full blown disorder.
I remembered how sometimes I was angry at them for not noticing or not saying anything about all the missing snack containers and pop cans when they'd come home. They just bought more later. Every day I'd come home from school and blow through several packs of snack cakes, cookies, chips (basically whatever we had) and up to 6 cans of pop, normally Pepsi. Often after everyone went to bed I'd get up to have one more sugar fix before sleeping. My breakfasts were giant bowls of cocoa puffs or cocoa pebbles sometimes with poptarts or a toaster strudel. At school I had to go to the vending machine at all recess breaks and after I ate my lunch. I ate because I hated myself and my life at school. I ate because I hated myself for eating. I ate because it started me off feeling really good and happy, basically a high, even though I hated myself again at the end of it when I was stuffed. I ate while playing video games to keep me from thinking about it.
All they seemed to notice was that I got fat and that I didn't have many friends. I found myself sitting here on the couch, reading and getting mad and crying about the past, not exactly living in the present.
Then I thought, but I don't have that disorder anymore, now I fall into the category of someone with a binge problem, not a disorder. I can honestly say its only occassional now. I pulled myself out of that, by my own awareness of my problem, and determination to change. At 14 years old. I didn't even have a book to spell it out for me, as soon as I was able to get away from the cause of my depression (bad school enviroment, if we hadn't moved when I finished grade 8 I might still be a binger and be much worse off right now). By my own will I forced myself not to get out of bed during nights of withdrawl and go eat, I ate salads for lunches for a year straight, and restricted snacking. I took up excercise and stopped eating while gaming, I made the change, Mom and Dad praised me and gave me excercise DVDs and made sure Sam couldn't come into her room and bother me while I excercised after school, giving me a safe haven to do so because they did love me and care for me but likely didn't know what to do or think, simply because even now most people don't know what binging is really about.
That's what took my breath away, that at 14 years old I had that much strength in me to pull myself out of a bad lifestyle, recognizing what I was doing was not right nor good for me, and made changes in my life. I may binge on occassion, finding myself back in a depression over something, but I see what I am doing and stop much earlier than I did in junior high, and I keep myelf from going back into the disorder. Now I'm 25 and found myself doing this last week, so I sought out more education about my problem so that I can better understand it and work through it. So far I'm only reading part 1 which is about what binging is and what bingers do, there other half of the book is an actual rehab program to help myself get away from binging, hopefully permanently.
I'm giving my junior high self the hugs she needed, and patting my 14 year old self on the back for her strength and resolve, and knowing that if they could see me now they would be glad this is how I am turning out.
Access: PublicTagged with: QaR, experience, view, life, moving, profound, eating disorders, binge eating, over eating, teens
Alli,
Binge eating is as big a problem with young girls as Anorexia or Bulemia. Body image is something that plagues the mind of everyone because we set such high standards for ourselves. Girls have to be thin thin thin.. and when we are not we either eat because we are sad.. or don’t eat because we are sad.
Either way it kills the underlying reason people try to slim down. To be healthy.
Sadly enough being skinny isn’t the only reason people binge. Depression as you said is a big reason.. binge eating is as detrimental to your health as drinking away your pain or doing drugs.
You were a strong young woman from stopping yourself and a stong woman now for adressing that you still have a problem.
I have a problem with binge eating too.. Especially now that I quit smoking.. breaking that oral fixation, hand to mouth problem is something that I am striving so hard to do.
It’s not easy when family members sabatoge you either. Weither intentionally or unintentionally. Just the other dayI came home from the grocery store with lots of healthy goodies to keep my mind away from cigarettes. My gramma leaves for the store after I get back and what does she come home with .. lots of cugary snacks sand fatty foods. . She presents them to me. and gets made when I tell her I’m not going to eat them… It’s hard when you family is un supportive or even unbeknowngst of your problem..
Mad love for overcoming yourproblem. Very Inspirational.
Hi Ali:
If you think back to when you were very young (pre-5 yo), is it possible someone placated a “hurt” - injury or hurt feelings, by giving you food? In the majority of cases where people turn to food for comfort, in their earlier lives something happened to install that as a “program” - feel bad - eat!!! Since you have pretty much decided you are in control of the situation now, if you recognize this as the possible “sensitizing event”, you can probably do the rest of the reprogramming of the sub-conscious mind by catching yourself next time you might consider binging, say “Cancel, Cancel”, and then state categorically outloud with firmness (in front of a mirror works best), that you realize this is a way your subconscious has been trying to protect you, but it can now find a better way, and you choose NOT to eat because of (whatever is upsetting you at the time). Be persistent - it may take a few times. You can also use self-hypnosis and affirmations. You’ll probably find at least some of these techniques in the back of the book. If you need more help, PM to me and I’ll find something appropriate to help.
Blessings ~~^v^~~
Gem
Ashley, *MEGAHUGS* You’re so right.
Gem, you are spot-on. I’ve been aware of it for a while. When I was little my mom would buy waffle fries from Chick Fil A and let me eat them in my stroller so I would be kept busy while she shopped. I was persuaded to sit still for shots at the doctors with a promise of an ICEE from the convenience store on the way home. Granny gave me ice cream before bed every time I stayed over. If I behaved at the grocery store or wal mart I could pick out a candy during checkout. Food was always a soother for me as a kid, and I also wonder if I had any past lives where food wasn’t readily available, sometimes I take more than I need because I have this light fear that if I wait for seconds there wont be any left.
Wow, Alli - that’s an awful lot of “hits” - but it is great that you can consciously make the connections - this gives you so much more control over your eating habits now, I’d think. Then it comes down to choice - do you give in to the emotional trigger, or do you by-pass it? One way to by-pass it is to create your own small rituals around the trigger - it’s a reframing process. You were ritually (really!) taught that if you exhibited certain desired behaviors, or didn’t exhibit certain others, you’d be rewarded. So it’s a re-learning of behaviors now, that are more appropriate for what YOU want in your life. Give yourself a BIG hug for being brave enough to look at this, and do something about it!!! ~~~^v^~~~
Well at least now I don’t buy an icee everytime I get a shot at a doctor’s office. I don’t need to eat at the mall every time I go, but I do have to hit the art supply store. I rarely buy candy in a checkout line, most often I use self-checkout which has no candy rack at it. I try not to buy candy at the store to bring home, but instead make myself walk down the street to 7/11 if I want it badly enough. (When it gets to -20*C which is -4*F, that takes a lot of wanting to decide to go over there!)