Motivation & Stuff

I am so motivated.

Sometimes.

For some things.

I've been thinking today, how is it that you get motivated?

For example, I've been motivated for weight loss before. Twice, actually. Because I was obese. And ego-minded. I was really focused on my appearance, and how it was viewed by others. When I was 15 I just wanted the cool clothes and a little respect at school. And at that level of thinking, I was super motivated to get as skinny as I could. Which turned out to never be much more than a size 9 from size 12. (Before you freak out, I'm short, so that size at my hieght with the BMI I had was actually obese not just overweight. I know a 12 is far from obese for MOST people, but on me it was the low end of obese.) But still. I was MOTIVATED. At 22 I did it again because, well... I wanted cool clothes and I wanted to respect myself because at the time I was still kinda hyperfocused on the idea of being fat. That brought me from size 12 to size 8 (Um, barely!). I had the mental growth to say as well "I want the outside to be as fucking awesome as my inside." rather than when I was 15 and thinking that changing the outside fixed the inside. (It doesn't.) The difference between the two experiences is that at 15 I ran on angst for motivation, and at 22 I ran on the high that came from being around my Halifax friends and feeling awesome as a person. Now my higher self says I don't have to be skinny to showcase that aspect of me.

I'm still fucking awesome. (Not just awesome.) I just don't have those energetic people around me now. Which is a downer. Edmonton sucks that way, everyone is knocked up or lazy. Except Alexis. So we hang out a lot. I just have to beat some self confidence into that girl...

Currently, I am motivated, totally. But not about my body image. I'm motivated on getting Andrew and I to Houston, and getting into Uni, and becoming an art teacher, and getting our little country home with a big veggie garden one day.

Which is something I have to wait patiently to happen.

It would make sense viewing my past that I would be motivated to ALSO get skinny again, and fit those size 8 jeans staring at me in the closet.  But I don't have that.

Because I think I'm more excited about my future than I ever was about a fashion line.

And it's not so bad here in Size 10 Land. Sometimes.

And I'm way more spiritual (in a for real way, not an omg look I'm different and its cute way).

I've gotten more happyness out of mental and spiritual pursuits than the pursuit of the 8 Jean.

But every once in a while I still see those 8's looking me over like "Hey lady, you've got a weight watchers account, and you've barely used it. What gives?"

I don't know what gives. Maybe I've been dieting for too long. Maybe its just old now. Sorry, not "dieting", its "lifestyle changing" now. Whatevs, whichever you call it its still dieting because you're still taking away the junk to replace it with veggies. I mean, I'm a vegetarian, that's a lifestyle change. But that doesn't make you skinny. Muffins are vegetarian. So are chocolate creme oreos. (Oh baby!) I'm an all or nothing kinda girl. Either there are no oreos allowed in the house (or any cookies period) or I'm going to go to 7/11 and buy a bag and eat the whole thing through a World of Warcraft gaming binge, with icy soy milk to dunk.

I'm really good at maintaining. I don't gain a ton of weight at once. I've been sitting at 166lbs a few months now. It's lower from when I started weight watchers this year, but I haven't gone all the way. Hell, I haven't even hit the 10% Lost mark. You know, that mark that doctors say "makes all the difference" in your health?

And I do excercise, I use a bicycle to get around, including grocery trips, and I do yoga.

I am soft and stretchy, like taffy :D

I can choose two things here. Ditch the ww account and likely go nuts with the snacks again. Keep the account and hope something motivates me to go a little further.

And the little ego voice sitting back in  my head says "Don't ditch the account or you'll get shitty again. Get motivated. Get hot." Meanwhile the higher self goes on about more important aspects of life than body image and magazine pictures. Neither is neccessarily all that passionate about their options. So I, the thinking self, am at an impasse. How does one get motivated? Where does motivation come from? What if you don't neccessarily want or not want something, even when you know it's good for you and your family wants you to succeed at it? What if things that motivated you before no longer work? Is that when its time to give up the ghost?